Just for Xeets and Giggles (09.28.24)

Donald Trump, the adjudicated sexual assaulter and destroyer of the federal right to abortion, decided he would declare, in all caps, “I WILL PROTECT WOMEN.” He followed this up in speeches saying to American women, “I want to be your protector.”

Or this take,

As evidence of his continued mental decline, Trump forgot also where he’d been. Again.

Apparently, there’s now a QVC-anon. If you can stomach this, here’s the clip.

The gold watches stood in stark contrast to his campaign’s other messaging.

Melania Trump, who is touting her new book including (checks notes) launching a video about how proud she is of her former nude modeling, didn’t get the memo either.

Slow clap for remembering this line, delivered eight years ago before Marco Rubio sold his soul.

People went to read the fine print on the gold Trump watches, and it did not disappoint.

Trump laid into Harris, per usual. But what is it with the total lack of self-awareness among rich, white billionaire types?

To prove he was just as clueless, here was Elon Musk’s honorable mention entry:

Trump tried very hard to avoid Mark Robinson all week because of, well, this inevitability.

We need an SNL reprise of this.

The perfect comment on this doesn’t ex—

For his part, Robinson tried to keep Trump as close as he could. Well, at least some version of Trump. This…is a real photo, and I can’t stop laughing.

But what about all the scandals rocking the Democrats?

Vice President Kamala Harris accepted an invitation from CNN to a second debate. Trump declined, saying it would be “too late.” What, too late to save his campaign?

Trump seems hung up on the idea that Harris never worked in a McDonald’s, even though she did. Given his steady diet of burgers from the Golden Arches, perhaps he’s worried she slipped him a special pie.

Still, gullible voters believe the lie…

It’s been a while since the debate, but perhaps that time was needed for Seth Myers to put this segment together. It’s *chef’s kiss*:

Speaking of amazing material, one of my favorite liberal trolls, Walter Masterson, went to a public meeting in Springfield claiming he was a representative from the Vance campaign. I don’t know how he can do this with a straight face. (Alternative TikTok link here.)

The kids in the GOP were fighting amongst themselves, per usual. It was fun to see Mike Pence’s former chief of staff, who advised Pence not to obey Trump’s directive on January 6, hit back.

President Zelenskyy visited a munitions factory in Pennsylvania, something he also did in Utah during a prior visit. But MAGA forgot that part, and focused on the swing state appearance in PA:

It seems everything in MAGA world is a conspiracy, because…

Elon Musk continues to prove the above point, and to self-own hard without realizing it.

Hurricane Helene was on the minds of everyone, including the far-right trolls who might have been in its path.

Hey, there! If you’re smiling, consider tipping your hardworking-on-an-early-Saturday- morning writer with a paid subscription!

I normally don’t get to mock Democratic leaders, but Eric Adams is the indicted mayor of my city, and he needs to go. So on his way out, I bring you a fiery internet takedown of Mr. Mayor.

I hate the NY Post but damn they are good at these headlines.

For you Sex and the City fans…

And you GoT fans…

It took me a second to understand what this was, but then I started giggling about the googling.

A+ commentary here:

Ooof. Spot on:

It was hard not to think of Clarence.

Do yourself a Favre and google this if you don’t get it.

Holy crap, this new context in the old video:

It’s seeing Elon in this next grid that got me. What a set.

Last week, I devoted the entire animal section to Moo Deng, the pygmy hippo. That means I have lots of additional material this week. Including many cats.

My cat does not, would not, cannot ever do this.

But this? Yes.

Or this. Shade would do this. Very on brand.

Pups gave the kitties a run for their kibble. This doggo is busted!

My corgi is very food obsessed, so this spoke to me.

Best hastily-created-account comeback on Twitter I’ve seen in a while.

And in honor of the season, I give you a frightened, frozen, furry friend.

This clip made the Status Quokka.

Winning commentary here.

Did you know there’s a turtle on the internet who hates black shoes?

Me. This is also me.

This was so wrong…

Imagine explaining why you were late to your school because.

Speaking of times gone by,

I’ve watched this a few times already. (Note: FB videos open more reliably on the FB app, not the web.)

Who feels this deeply?

Your cuteness overload for the week is this little Japanese girl having the giggles. (On Instagram here.)

This thread resurfaced, but since people were talking about McDonald’s, I’m dropping it here if you’ve never seen it. Breathtaking.

This is modern relationships in a nutshell.

Dame Maggie Smith passed away, but she left us so many treasures, including my favorite line ever from Downton Abbey:

Aw, heck, let’s just put up a whole compilation.

Here’s my weekly dad joke and bonus earworm to send you out with a chuckle, or an eye roll if you’re under 30.

Have a great weekend!

Jay